What's Written vs. What's Meant on a student's essay!

IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN… = I haven't bothered to look up the original reference.
IT IS NOT UNREASONABLE TO ASSUME… = If you believe this, you'll believe anything.
OF GREAT THEORETICAL AND PRACTICAL IMPORTANCE = Interesting to me.
WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS… = The experiments didn't work out, but I figured I could get publicity out of it.
THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY = The results on the others didn't make sense, and were ignored.
TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN = The best results are shown.
PRESUMABLY AT LONGER TIMES… = I didn't take the time to find out.
THESE RESULTS WILL BE REPORTED AT A LATER DATE = I might get around to this sometime.
THE MOST RELIABLE VALUES ARE THOSE OF JONES = He was a student/supervisor of mine.
IT IS BELIEVED THAT… = I think.
IT IS GENERALLY ACCEPTED THAT... = A guy in a bar once agreed with me.
IT IS WIDESPREAD KNOWLEDGE THAT... = Two guys in a bar agreed with me.
IT IS UNIVERSALLY ACCEPTED THAT... = The bartender agreed too
IT MIGHT BE ARGUED THAT… = I have such a good answer for this objection that I shall now raise it.
IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING… = I don't understand.
CORRECT WITH IN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE = Wrong.
IT IS TO BE HOPED THAT THIS WORK WILL STIMULATE FURTHER WORK IN THE FIELD = This paper is not very good, but neither are any of the others on this miserable subject.
THANKS ARE DUE TO X FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO Y FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS = X did the work, and Y explained it to me.
OF GREAT PRACTICAL IMPORTANCE… = I can get some mileage out of it.
IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITIVE ANSWERS… = The experiment was negative, but at least I can publish the data somewhere.
THESE INVESTIGATIONS PROVED HIGHLY REWARDING… = My grant is going to be renewed.
FASCINATING WORK... = Work by a member of our group.
OF DOUBTFUL SIGNIFICANCE... = it was done by someone else.
TRIVIAL... = It took me a whole week to figure it out.
DATA HAVE BEEN NORMALISED... = You wouldn't believe the numbers I got.
STATISTICAL ANALYSES REVEAL... = I had to lie a bit.
DATA PROCESSING PROCEDURES WERE IMPLEMENTED... = I had to lie a lot.
I SHOULD LIKE TO THANK… = Please put in a good word for me with the examiners.